Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
