she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
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