things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
