Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
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