I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
