I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Randomize
