Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
My legs feel like baby dolphins
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
