I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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