I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
