do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
