my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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