I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
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