my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
