allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
and you fell through a lawn chair
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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