dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Is Oprah even human
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
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