Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
