Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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