He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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