So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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