Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
