people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
