someone get that fucking seahorse.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
