I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
