She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
