What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Randomize
