i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
it hurts more in the daytime
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Randomize
