You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
