We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
