I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Randomize
