A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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