I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
