I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
