I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Just invented taco cereal.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
