The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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