tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
