how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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