Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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