U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
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He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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