We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
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