im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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