Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
