Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
me + whiskey = a bad person
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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