Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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