When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
