is your mom at the bar?
I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
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