cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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