you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize
