Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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