Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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