i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
