Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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