I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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