It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
